I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
