don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
