Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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