OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
