Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
