you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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