Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Randomize
