your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
