dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
