Moan for me like Helen Keller
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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