So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
