with your own penis?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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