You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
