Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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