So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
