The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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