I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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