The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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