i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Boobs speak an international language.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
