remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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