Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
