Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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