allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
