I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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