Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
