i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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