If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
