i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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