I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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