I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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