my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
