Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
as a side note pls kill me
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
