just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
