we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
