I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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