i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
