Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
