I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
two words: eviction party
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
