what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
