Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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