So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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