do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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