A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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