when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
