im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
