If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
