it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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