I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
