i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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