Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
