I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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