Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
